Searching for a Meaning
by Jaala
Summary: Hermione's going through a personal crisis, and her friends aren't helping. Plus, she has a new job this year at Hogwarts. She's at her wits end, but she handles it in a unique way.


**AN: This is a new one. Featuring: Hermione! Please read. Feel free to review, critique. Contructive criticism is always appreciated. Flames are, as well. It just snowed today so I could use some heat. ;)**

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Searching for a Meaning

  
**By Jaala**

Hermione smoothed out her robes and resumed staring out the window of the Hogwarts Express. Harry and Ron were late. She sighed, then leaned her head against the window, scrunching her eyes shut. She had to tell him. He deserved to know. But what would she say?

"Ron, I did spend time with Krum this summer. We had a jolly good time. And I'd like to go again." She slapped her forehead. That wouldn't work!

Why did she care? After all, Ron didn't need to know about that aspect of her personal life. It's just...she felt she owed him somehow.

No, this was silly. Just say it.

"Ron, I like Krum. That's it. The rest is none of your business." She opened her eyes. That wouldn't work either.

"Um...sorry?"

Hermione's head swerved around to the door. A tall, lanky boy was leaning his head in. He looked at her in confusion, then tried a smile.

"Hi," he waved. "Um...all the other compartments are full. Mind if I sit in this one?"

"Who are you?" Hermione asked a bit more rudely than she meant to.

"Me?" He looked surprised.

"I'm sorry. Come on in. I'm expecting a couple of my friends." Hermione motioned for him to enter.

The boy was lugging a large suitcase with him. He had some trouble getting it through the door, but he finally made it inside. He collapsed on the seat opposite Hermione.

"I'm beat! I walked here!" He smiled.

"I don't recall seeing you before."

"Oh! I'm um...new." His eyes darted around.

"Are you a First Year?"

"Yes, well, no. Well, I don't know. I guess so."

"You look somewhat old to be a First Year."

"I'm big for my age?" He suggested. Hermione decided not to press the matter further. He looked uncomfortable.

"Do you have a name?"

"Oh, yes! Of course I do! Lowell Stidham." He held out his hand...the left hand...the wrong hand.

Hermione stared at it, decided not to say anything, and shook his hand left-handed. He smiled.

"Who are you?"

"Hermione Granger. 5th year."

"I see! 5th year? Maybe you can show me around once we get to Hogwarners."

"Hogwarts," she corrected. "And we probably won't be in the same house." He just screamed Hufflepuff.

"House?"

Hermione was saved from explaining the houses when Harry and Ron walked in. She stood up and greeted them. Harry was as friendly as always, but Ron seemed a bit reserved.

"Did you have a good summer, Hermione?" Ron asked, obviously probing for information.

All the practice Hermione had done flew out the window. She wouldn't tell him. He didn't need to know. "Wonderful, thanks. How was yours?"

Ron just frowned and sat down beside Lowell, who he seemed to have noticed for the first time.

"Who are you?" Ron asked.

Hermione made the introductions. Lowell grinned stupidly.

"I hope you don't mind. But all the other compartments were full."

"How old are you?" Ron asked.

Great, now Ron was being rude. They sure weren't giving Lowell a good impression of Hogwarts.

"Me? Oh...I'm old enough." He grinned again.

Just then, a screaming noise started coming from Lowell's suitcase. He looked at it in surprise.

"Lowell," Harry said. "Do you have something in there?"

"Just Amy...but she was sleeping."

Hermione started having horrible thoughts of Lowell storing a younger sister in his suitcase. "Let's get her out."

Before Lowell could say anything, Hermione had pulled the suitcase towards her and forced it open. An owl came flying out.

"Oh dear! Now I'll never get her back in!"

"You put an owl in a suitcase?" Harry asked, eyes wide.

"Just for the trip. She was asleep."

Amy had settled on the windowsill while Harry placed his head in his hands.

Yes, Lowell was definitely a Hufflepuff.

************

The rest of the trip was uneventful. Ron was careful to avoid talking to Hermione, and Hermione didn't have much trouble ignoring Ron completely. Lowell jabbered on constantly about some nonsense. All three had ended up tuning him out after a while.

They had made the traditional carriage ride to Hogwarts. Hermione had no sooner stepped off the carriage than McGonagall came up to her.

"Granger. I need to see you in my office." McGonagall hadn't changed a bit. Still strict and loud.

Hermione waved to Harry and Ron, then followed McGonagall to her office. McGonagall's office hadn't changed a bit. Still rather bare, having only what it needed. Hermione sat down in a chair opposite the desk and waited for McGonagall to speak.

"Granger, we have a new student here at Hogwarts. His name is Lowell Stidham - "

"Lowell?" Hermione asked in surprise.

"You have met him already?"

"He sat with us on the train."

McGonagall straightened. "Very good. He will be in First Year classes, however, I would like you to tutor him after classes. Gryffindor will be given extra points, and you, yourself, will get extra credit."

"What? Why can't a teacher do it?"

"Miss Granger, you are the top student at Hogwarts. You are also a peer of Lowell's and we feel it might be easier on him that way."

"But wouldn't somebody from his own house be better? I mean - "

"Miss Granger, what are you talking about? Lowell has already been placed in Gryffindor."

"What? Why?"

"Never you mind. That's a matter between Lowell's family and Professor Dumbledore. Now, I suggest you go out and tell him that you will be giving him extra lessons. Our goal is to give him enough knowledge to skip a couple years."

"Professor McGonagall, I'm afraid I don't understand all this - "

"And you don't have to. Just do it."

************

Hermione was reluctant to go to the Great Hall. Upon arriving, she found that The Sorting had already been finished and the feast had begun. She looked at the Gryffindor table. Sure enough, Lowell was sitting across from Harry and Ron.

She walked over and sat down next to Harry.

"Hello, Hermione!"

"Hi, Lowell." She sighed.

Neville, sitting on the other side of Hermione, leaned over to her. "We found someone clumsier than me! Lowell's already had 5 spills so far." Neville smiled excitedly.

Hermione forced a grin. "Congratulations, Neville." Then she turned to Lowell. "Lowell, I'm going to be tutoring you after classes."

Harry looked at her in surprise.

"Really?" Lowell smiled. "Why, that's very nice!" He reached for his drink, but ended up knocking it over. "Oh, not again!"

Hermione closed her eyes, in the hopes that once she did, this would all just be a bad dream. First, Ron was acting less than friendly toward her. Then, she had to waste her time after classes tutoring that idiot. What next?

"I have some bad news." Harry told Hermione.

"Really? What a surprise!" Hermione replied sarcastically. "What is it now?"

"Snape's got the Dark Arts job."

Hermione stared at Harry for a while. 

"You're kidding."

"No. Look." He tilted his head towards the teacher's table.

Snape was there, looking rather happy. Happier than Hermione had ever remembered him looking. In fact, the only thing that could make Snape that happy was...

Hermione put her head down against the table. "This is going to be a bad year."

*************

Hermione, while pessimistic, was curious as to how the first day would turn out. After all, the first day would set the tone for the rest of the year. However, it didn't take long for Hermione to realize what that tone would be: unbearable.

Care of Magical Creatures was first. Hermione would've been looking forward to it. She had decided the night before to patch things up with Ron. That would be one less thing on her "Why I Hate This Year" list. She had sat beside Ron during breakfast and was just about to talk to him when Lowell somehow managed to spill juice all over her. Needless to say, Hermione had to go up to the dorm and change robes. By the time she got back, breakfast was over and her chance was blown.

So, she walked resignedly to her class outside. They were doing Magical Creatures with the Ravenclaws this year. Better than Slytherins, at least. While Hagrid was explaining something about centaurs, Hermione sidled up next to Ron.

"I need to talk to you." She said.

Ron shot her a look. "About what?"

"You know what!"

"No I don't. Now, I'm trying to listen to the lesson."

But Hermione was tired of waiting.

"Ron, listen. I did go over to Krum's this summer. I had a horrible time. I'm never going to do it again." Whoa. How did that come out? That wasn't what she had practiced.

Ron looked at her in an odd way, but didn't say anything.

It wasn't true. What she had told Ron. She did have fun at Krum's. And she wouldn't mind going again if she was invited. So why on Earth had she told that to Ron?

After class, Hagrid asked for her to stay behind.

"Yeh alright, Hermione? Yeh seem quiet an' yeh weren' answerin' any o' my questions."

"I'm fine, Hagrid." She sighed. "I'm just not having a good day."

"It's only the firs' class!"

"I know. Trust me, I know."

************

The rest of the day didn't go much better. Fortunately, Dark Arts was the next day, so Hermione had more time to brace herself for it. They did have Potions that day, however, and Hermione was interested in meeting the new Professor. But they were stuck with Slytherin again for Potions. Oh well.

Considering some of the teachers they had, the class was expecting something strange and exciting. They were disappointed when a middle-aged wizard walked in. His hair was graying, but he still looked youthful. He put his suitcase on top of the desk.

"Welcome to Potions. The funnest class you'll have this year." He gave a funny smile, which clashed with his monotonous tone. "I'm Professor Spring, and I'm your teacher. Where's the roll call sheet?" He started looking around his desk.

Seamus pointed it out. Professor Spring picked it up. "Okay, everybody's here." He said without even calling out people's names. "Now, where did Happy Snape leave off?"

The class started laughing. Well, the Gryffindors did. The Slytherin stood there, glaring at Professor Spring.

"What?" Professor Spring looked surprised at all the laughter.

Hermione raised her hand. "Sir, we left off at herbal mixtures."

"Herbal mixtures!" He exclaimed, his face contorting into a look of disbelief. "What were you all DOING in his class?"

Everybody gave a shrug.

"Well, you all are behind. WAY behind. So I'm going to have to rearrange my lesson plan so that way we can at least get to skin-based solutions by the semester." He started sorting through his stuff.

While his back was turned, Ron slipped a note into Hermione's hand.

Well, it was a start at communication. Hermione unfolded it.

**You were telling the truth? Just nod.**

Hermione stood with the note in her hand. No, she hadn't told the truth. But what would it hurt to lie? She'd get Ron back as a friend, and it's not like he'd ever find out.

But Hermione didn't want to lie to him. Not to Ron.

Slowly, without looking up from the note, she shook her head. She couldn't see Ron's reaction, but she could guess that it wasn't happy.

Professor Spring had found his lesson plan, and he was busily writing in it while talking.

"Okay, because Happy Snape was being a slow-poke, we're going to speed through all this stuff. There will be a lot of homework." There were groans from the class. "Stop whining! I'll give you time in class to work on it."

No, this wasn't going to be a good year.

************

Hermione was glad for the interruption of lunch. Potions had been spent reviewing basically everything they'd learned since coming to Hogwarts. Professor Spring would be a tough teacher. She could tell. It didn't help that she had to spend some of her valuable homework time tutoring Lowell.

Hermione sat down to lunch, looking at her schedule. Transfiguration next, then History of Magic. Neither looked too appealing to Hermione right now.

Ron made a point of sitting one seat away from Hermione. Harry sighed and sat down between them. Fortunately, Lowell hadn't shown up. A good minute passed as all three ate quietly. Finally, Harry slammed his fork down.

"Okay, you two! Stop it!"

"What?" Ron dropped his fork, too.

"You know what! I'm tired of my two best friends giving each other the silent treatment!"

"She spent the summer with Krum!" Ron pointed an accusing finger.

"So what?" Hermione replied. "What does it matter to you, Ron? Are you jealous?"

"Jealous?" Ron looked offended.

"Shut up!" Harry shouted. A bit too loudly. Everybody at the table turned to look at them. "Quiet." Harry said more quietly this time. "Please, I didn't have very pleasant summer. And after the end of last year, I would think that my friends would at least try to act friendly to each other for my sake."

Hermione lowered her head. She had forgotten. Last year. Harry still probably hadn't gotten over You-Know-Who and Cedric's death. She felt selfish. She looked up, and could see that Ron was thinking the same thing.

He extended a hand. "Truce?" He said.

Hermione took it. "Truce." She agreed.

Harry smiled. "Thanks, guys."

Hermione and Ron released each other's hands. It was a truce. But it had only been made for a friend. And those truces are very thin and very fragile. Hermione knew she would have to watch her step with Ron, lest the truce become broken.

************

The next two classes passed slowly, but uneventfully. Ron and Hermione ended up just being falsely polite to each other. But it was something.

Now was the part of the day that Hermione had been dreading: Tutoring. She sat, waiting in the Common Room. Everybody else was playing games and having fun. Hermione knew that even if she wasn't tutoring, she'd be doing homework. But the fact was, Lowell annoyed the heck out of her. And she didn't feeling like teaching him anything.

She saw him enter, tripping slightly in the doorway. He just smiled that goofy smile, then saw Hermione. He walked over to her.

"Hi Hermione! You're going to tutor me?" He asked.

"That's what I said at breakfast." Hermione didn't care how rude she sounded.

"Sorry I wasn't at lunch. I messed up in that Dark Arts class and the Professor made me stay after."

"Oh, you weren't at lunch?" Hermione said carelessly. Lowell looked a little hurt, but started smiling again. Hermione sighed. "What do you need help with?"

"Just about everything, actually. Let's see, I had trouble in Charms, Dark Arts, Transfiguration, and Potions."

"All your classes, then?"

"Yes! All of them!" Hermione didn't understand why he was smiling like that. He looked like an idiot.

She looked around. It was noisy and crowded. Not an environment conducive to learning. "Lowell, let's go find an empty classroom. There're too many distractions here."

"Whatever you say! You're the boss!" He gave a little salute and waited to follow her out.

As soon as her back was to Lowell she rolled her eyes. 

He was hopeless. Absolutely hopeless. She had spent 3 hours just trying to get him to do the _Lumos_ spell. They hadn't gotten any farther. Hermione considered going to McGonagall and resigning. True, she'd lose her extra credit. And Gryffindor wouldn't get any extra points. But what could she do with Lowell? Nothing!

And the part that bugged her the most was that he was completely unfazed by his incompetency. Every time he messed up, he would just smile in that goofy way and say something stupid. Hermione didn't know if she could stand seeing that smile anymore. Lowell had been ready to continue the tutoring, but Hermione had cut it off, saying she had homework. And she did. Professor Spring had given them an essay to write, and she had some work for Transfiguration. Lowell hadn't protested. He just smiled and made some stupid remark.

And so, Hermione sat in her bed, after having stayed up late doing homework, wishing that she were back home. No, she didn't wish she were back home. She couldn't stand being around her parents anymore. They were always fighting. Well, not anymore. Her father had moved out, and they were planning a divorce. Then Hermione would be juggled between the two of them.

No, she didn't want to go home. But she didn't want to stay here. Harry hung out with Ron all the time, and she didn't have any real friends beside Harry and Ron. Plus the Lowell thing. It was then that Hermione came upon a startling conclusion: Life sucks.

************

The next day didn't go much better. DADA with Snape was almost unbearable. Snape seemed to take delight in torturing the Gryffindors. And the fact that he was know teaching DADA meant he could do it fairly easily.

And even the usually fun Charms class didn't lift Hermione's spirits. Things weren't the same as they used to be. Hogwarts used to be fun. Now it was about as much fun as having a tooth pulled. 

Eventually, Harry and Ron noticed that something was wrong. However, they, rather unwisely, took the "leave-her-alone-and-she'll-get-over-it" method of helping her.

So by 2 weeks into school at breakfast, Hermione was perfectly miserable. And Harry and Ron were chatting on about Quidditch or something.

"Pass the salt, Hermione." Harry turned to her.

Hermione picked the salt up and slammed it down in front of Harry. He stared at her.

"Something wrong?"

"Oh, now you ask!" She exclaimed in a high-pitch voice. "Now you ask if I'm alright. Well, no I'm not. Thanks for your concern."

She'd had it. Had it with Harry and Ron. Had it with Lowell. And Snape. And her parents. She hated them all.

"Hermione, what's wrong?"

She turned to Harry. "What's wrong? Let's see, my parents are getting divorced, I'm having to tutor an idiot, and you and Ron have been ignoring me completely!"

Ron leaned over Harry. "Come on, Hermione! We just noticed you were mad over something. We decided to leave you alone - "

"Well, what if I don't want to be left alone?"

"Hermione, you're being selfish!" Ron chastised her.

Hermione stood up. "I'm being selfish? Me? I'm sorry for having problems. I realize they aren't as big and important as Harry's or yours. You're right. I am being selfish. After all, my life is just peachy. What have I to complain about?"

Harry tugged at her robes. "Hermione, people are staring. Sit down."

"Shut up, Harry Potter! Just because you have that scar on your forehead doesn't mean you can tell me what to do!" She pushed his hand away, took one quick look around the Great Hall and left.

************

That was stupid. Stupid. Now, she couldn't talk to Harry or Ron at all. She couldn't even meet their eye the rest of the day. Well, she did one time, and Ron threw her such a glare, she swore it nearly knocked her out.

She knew she needed to do something. She was having trouble getting her homework done, and she kept having pounding headaches. She needed to get rid of something giving her stress. And she knew what that was.

Hermione walked up to Professor McGonagall after class.

"Um...Professor McGonagall...I was thinking about that tutoring thing..."

"With Lowell? I'm glad you brought it up. He told me that you've been very helpful to him, and that he can't thank you enough for what you've done. He's certainly showing improvement in my class. That's very good to see considering the...well...incident yesterday."

"What incident?"

"You haven't heard?" McGonagall looked surprised. "Oh, I don't like to spread gossip around, Granger. But since he is your pupil. Lowell made a rather careless mistake in his Defense Against Dark Arts class. Professor Snape gave his customary...correction...and Lowell broke into tears. Had the whole class in an uproar."

Hermione suddenly felt very empty inside. She couldn't do this. Not when he needed her help so bad. And she hated to think what Snape had said to him to make him cry. She sighed.

"Granger, you were going to say something about the tutoring?" McGonagall asked.

"Yes, Professor McGonagall...I just wanted to tell you that...it's a very fulfilling job."

"I'm pleased, Miss Granger."

Hermione nodded and left.

************

After classes, Lowell and Hermione met in the empty classroom as usual. Lowell didn't seem to have been affected by the "incident" yesterday. He was just as cheerful as always.

They had been going for about 30 minutes when Lowell stopped abruptly.

"Hermione, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" She asked, irritated. She was trying to explain a simple charm to him.

"You've seemed down lately. Something going on?"

"It's personal."

"Oh...I understand."

They sat silent for a few seconds. Hermione wondered if she should tell him. After all, he didn't have any friends, so he couldn't tell anyone. But...it was Lowell. Lowell, the klutz. The First Year.

"Lowell, you're older than a First Year, aren't you?" Hermione said suddenly.

"Um...well...yeah." He started fidgeting. "Don't tell anyone, Hermione, but I'm old enough to be a 5th year."

"Why aren't you, then?"

"It's a long story."

Hermione leaned back in her seat. "I have time."

"Well, my parents are both magical, and they expected me to be. But I didn't show any sign of powers. In fact, when no letter arrived for me when I was 11, they thought I was a Squib." He looked embarrassed.

"Then when I was 14," he continued. "I started to do some magic! Small stuff, but it was magic. My parents wrote to Professor Dumbledore, seeing if I could get into Hogwarts. They asked to have me placed in Gryffindor. It was their house and they thought it's be the easiest for me to fit in to. Obviously, he said I could come, but I'd have to start as a First Year." He grinned that stupid grin of his. "He hoped that I could catch up to my peers, but it doesn't look like I'm going to."

"Why not?"

"I'm not good at magic, Hermione! You must know that. I don't know. I just wish I could go home."

It was the first non-cheerful thing he had ever said. Hermione turned to face him.

"Why?"

"Everybody hates me."

"Come on! Nobody hates you." Hermione informed him.

"Well, then everybody's annoyed by me."

Hermione couldn't argue with that.

"You know what 'Lowell' means?" He continued. Hermione shook her head. "It means 'beloved by all'. That's always been my goal. To be liked. To be friends with everyone. At home in the Muggle school, nobody liked me. I was 'the klutz'. I hoped when I came to Hogwarts that it'd be different. That I'd fit in more. But I don't. The First Years know that I'm older than them and they ignore me, or tease me. And the older years won't even acknowledge my existence." He rested his hand on his chin. "Guess I'm not even talented enough to live up to my name."

Hermione stayed silent. She had always thought of Lowell as "the klutz" or "the idiot". She had never actually considered that under that stupid grin, there might be an actual PERSON with feelings. Maybe...maybe that's what Harry and Ron felt towards her. She was always studying, going by the rules. Maybe they didn't realize that a school-nerd such as her could have feelings and be hurt. Maybe...

"Hermione, I'm sure you don't want to tell me what your problem is. But take this." He handed her a worn out book. "Find your meaning. It might help you. Well, it didn't help me, obviously, but you're smarter than me, so you never know." He shrugged.

Hermione looked at the book. It was a thin paperback book of baby names. She stood up, prepared to go up to her dorm and look up her meaning. She turned to Lowell at the doorway.

"For what it's worth, Lowell. You made a friend today."

And Lowell gave her that stupid grin. But this time, Hermione didn't mind.

************

**Hermione** - her-MY-oh-nee; of Hermes, determined, elegant, tender.

"Of Hermes". Hermes, the Greek messenger of the gods. Determined. Elegant. Tender. Did these fit her?

Determined? Yes. She was determine to succeed. To do well. To...to have friends.

Elegant? No...well...she had been rather elegant at the Yule Ball. She could be if she wanted to. But she never wanted to...

Tender? She had always thought so. But did everybody else see her that way? Doubtful.

Hermes. Messenger of the gods. Hermione felt it was time to play the part of a messenger.

************

Hermione waited at the Gryffindor table at breakfast. She had gotten there early. She knew Harry and Ron had found the notes she had left for them. The notes containing an explanation and an apology. It had to work. Hermione had nothing else left.

Harry and Ron came, side-by-side. It had been weeks since they had sat beside her, but today they sat down on either side of her. Obviously, they had talked about what they were going to do.

"Hermione," Harry started. "We're sorry about your problems. And about not listening."

"We want you back as a friend." Ron blurted, eyes downward.

Hermione had trouble making eye-contact, herself. 

"Let's just forget it, okay guys?"

Both of them nodded. Hermione smiled and looked up.

"Excuse me, I need to talk to somebody." She jumped up, certain that they would still be friends upon her return.

"Lowell!" She called. He had just entered the Great Hall and looked startled at her. She held out the book. "Thanks. It helped."

There was that stupid grin. "I'm glad."

"Come sit with us." She motioned for him to follow.

And Lowell, 'beloved by all', followed.

** AN cont'd: All characters belong to JK Rowling EXCEPT Lowell and Professor Spring.**


End file.
